8
November 2013
Friday
evening
All
this and asking as well
Contrary
to what appears to be believed - I'm not dead yet
Well,
it's been an interesting week. There been some exciting moments and
some things that have happened that one would not have expected. For
example, as you may know, Friday is one of my shower days. A moment
that I look forward to as it only comes around two times a week (the
shower, not Fridays). And one never knows when one of those times
might be superseded by someone else's more important construct or
situation. Like the time I was nearly in my wheelchair, literally
halfway from the bed to the chair, when a CENA popped her head in the
room and announced that suddenly all showers are off as of now.
Why?
It seems that when someone from "corporate" arrives on
surprise basis to tour the facility. The word is that such demanding
chores as helping residents get their carcass cleaned is too
demanding of the CENA staff. They need to be out on the floor where
they can be visible attending to residents, not hidden away in the
shower room dealing with only one person at a time - it just doesn't
look good. So my shower was canceled so that we could make a nice
impression for some fat guy from out of town. This is not sour grapes
speaking. I saw the guy. He literally looks like he could be a double
for Norm on the old show Cheers.
Only
problem was, I couldn't generate much positive feeling for the man.
His general overweight condition did nothing to help my assessment.
The lack of any form of neck whatsoever and the fact that his belt
was straining mightily against the overwhelming onslaught from his
belly region reminded me of too many other people that I've known who
exhibits the same physique and yet also project thoroughly
self-serving personality. Somehow that self-serving personality
aspect matched up perfectly with the fact that my one of two showers
per week and been canceled, just so he could be served a false image
of how wonderfully busy everyone was.
Today's
shower was much more efficient, the CENA helped me remove the leads
from a 24-hour heart monitor that I'd been wearing since the day
before. Then we proceeded to the shower. Everything went smoothly and
I was set up in the shower. Since I have shown proficiency with being
able to do most everything by myself, the CENA is free to leave me
for a while to attend to other chores. Things like stripping my bed
for new linen, getting things that we had forgotten from my room,
like clean pair of socks, and on such things.
I
noted while the water was running waiting for the pipes to heat up as
the water traveled from the water heater to where I was using it, the
sound of the water hitting the floor beneath me did not have his
usual splatter of drops of water hitting the tiles. It didn't take me
long to realize that the sound of water dripping into a gathering
puddle of water indicate that it may be the shower drain was running
a little slow. Slow enough that the input from the showerhead was
overtaking it. I proceeded to soap up and scrub, processing the
shampoo through my hair when I began to notice that the water was
growing deeper. The water dripping off my seat onto the area beneath
me wasn't hitting the tile floor, but rather was adding to the mix of
the growing puddle beneath me. I then realized that the water was
starting to raise to the area my feet were. The floor of the shower
slopes slightly upward to imaginary line bisecting the shower area
from the rest of the shower room. The water on the shower stall side
of line flows toward the drain any water that flows in the other side
of this mentoring line flows out into the larger room itself.
It
didn't take me long to realize that if I took my time and delighted
in the shower (which is one of the few joys attendent to taking a
shower) the slow drain would cause the water to eventually flood the
shower room, and as there was no drain in that floor, it would seep
under the door out in the hallway. I had no control over what might
get into that water in the hallway. Along the far side of the wall
was a baseboard heater. I had no idea was electrically run or hot
water based. Suddenly the image of some stray source of electricity
meeting up with my growing puddle frightened me quite a bit. I
proceeded to finish my shower as quickly as possible and turn off the
water. I did get clean, although the parts that would normally wait
for the CENA to come back and finish for me the parts I cannot reach
did not get scrubbed. Somehow that seemed like small enough issue
under these conditions.
I was beginning to wonder if my shower might turn into this ? |
What if sand dunes began to form? |
Or if exotic livestock appeared? |
I
managed to finish everything and turn the water off and I noted that
slowly the water was lowering in my shower stall. So the drain was
not completely stopped up, just running slow. I didn't have any
access to a towel at this point but did have two wash clothes
provided for me, I had only used one. Realizing that it might take a
while to shiver dry, and not wanting to do that, I took the dry
washcloth and used it as a miniature towel to at least get most of
the water off the surface of me so I would not be losing heat so
fast.
The
emergency call light cord was just about out of reach. I suppose if
it was a real emergency, and I was conscious, I may be able to expend
a lot of effort and energy to reach the call light to pull cord, but
under these conditions I thought why would I do that? I was clean, I
was safe, there had been somewhat of an adventure, but pulling the
panic button now would not be of any real service. I could afford to
wait.
Not
long and I could hear the CENA pressing the lock key code into the
door lock from outside, meanwhile exclaiming in a loud voice, "Hey
there is water out here, what you doing in there?" As the door
opened I could hear by her exclamation that most of the shower room
floor was still underwater. Also, the water had been seeping outside
the room under the door and was starting to run down the hallway.
Suddenly the first chore that needed attention was to grab as many
towels as possible so as to throw them on the floor and sop up the
water. Problem was that towels are not always stocked in the shower
room every day. Or if the stocking had been done it was early enough
that most of them had been used by now.
She
quickly ran to the linen closet for more towels. She was gone quite
some time before she came back, explaining that she had to go down to
the second floor and then finally to the laundry room to find more
extra large bath sheet type towels. She explained that the woman in
the laundry, when she found out why they were being sought so
quickly, said so that's why they had so many yesterday. She mentioned
that the plastic bag used to collect soiled towels to take them to
the laundry, was so heavy that she could hardly lift it.
This
is a major clue. Are you paying attention? This clue tells us that
yesterday there had been some major water on the floor event that
many large towels had also been used to sop it up, and they had made
there way to the laundry for processing. Knowing how communication is
the first thing to suffer around here, it is an easy stretch to
imagine that possibly this drain was running slow yesterday and
caused a backup when the towels gave away the situation. Now as we
chase this down the inevitable maintenance man, who will get the
chore, to see if he has heard of this before. An amazed comment and a
negative response will let us know that whoever was overseeing this
fiasco previously did not think that it was valuable enough to let
anybody know so that would not happen again. It occurs to me that
anyone would continue to allow something like this to happen without
doing anything to stop it is a candidate for the dumb
shit-of-the-week award.
I
just can't get over the fact that what seems obvious to me, should
seem not so obvious to those who work here, and then I just blown
away as to how many times I see this sort of thing not followed up
appropriately. There is some CENAs with whom I share my observations
about events like this, and they too have a difficult time picturing
how some people, who happen to be their peers, fail so miserably in
following through on something like this.
I
did eventually get dressed, inspected by the nurse to see if my
various wounds are healing, set my chair and released upon the
facility. The CENA did an excellent job attending to my shower as
well as the unexpected facility cleanup. Needless to say, her lunch
break was following this episode, and she was eager to go and relax.
Meanwhile,
my father's wife was due to come for a visit and bring a nice salad
for lunch. I went downstairs, visited with a few people that I
normally find down there and made myself ready for my visit - and
lunch!
Earlier
in the week my father had come to visit. Prior to his arrival I had
written a note to his wife, asking if she wouldn't please use her
magic to nudge him into completing an errand that he has promised to complete for many times over the last few months that I have been here. This
was to bring a couple of my favorite photographs that were saved from
my home so that I can hang them here. I had already found from the
building manager that would be okay to do and that he would be more
than willing to help me. I found out today that my father's wife had
gently reminded him by getting my photographs out of wherever he had
put them away and put them in large garbage bags, then placed them in
the hallway where he had no chance but to see them as he went toward
car. Then she made sure to ask if he was going to have any problem
carrying them into the car and into building once he got here. He
assured her that he could do it and indeed he did. As luck would have
it I ran into the same building manager the day after Dad was here
with my pictures and he put one of them up on the wall which is at
the foot in my bed, where I can lie and look at it with no effort at
all. We talked about this over lunch and I told her I was very glad
that I written and that she had made the effort to "nudge"
dear father in this direction.
It's
not much, at least compared to all the other photographs I've done,
many of which my younger brother thoughtlessly gave away as he was
closing my house, because he didn't want to deal with them at all. I
don't know how these were saved, they are couple of my favorites. Now as I take a moment throughout the day and gaze at that photograph
opposite me, the memories and thoughts that arise just as a result of
seeing that particular photograph are more numerous than most
memories I have been entertaining in the months that I have been
here.
I
have noted that most people treat me as if I'm already dead and gone.
That's one of the strange things about long-term illness or
disability in this country. It's well known that most of your former
friends suddenly are finding themselves "too busy" to take
the time to stop and see you, or even write, or call. I would imagine
this is about the closest thing to dying without actually leaving the
planet. There are few people who come by, even fewer who come by
regularly. Many who came by once, have somehow found reason not to be
able to come by again. I can't tell you how much this hurts. It's a
strange condition to be just as live as you once were but now nearly
everything that you used to know is gone. House, savings,
investments, the money set aside for retirement, car, friends, nearly
all of your possessions, many of those little knickknacks that really
did that amount to much, but they were saved because for some silly
reason they meant a lot to you.
There
are certain things that mean a lot to me. I'm very visual, I had a
lot of photographs. Not just snapshots in a shoebox in a closet
somewhere, but I had noticed there were things that really attracted
me and so I strove to get good representations, well presented, often
well framed and hung up on the walls where I could admire them. These
gave me inspiration often.
To have a family member, whom you thought
would have known you better than they showed they could handle,
inform you that you had too much "junk" and that their
method of dealing with it for you, at your request, was to throw it
out in a dumpster or give it away. That did feel and still feels like
having my heart ripped out of me while it's still beating. I wasn't
ready to find myself so separated from the things that meant much to
me. Little things used to mean a lot to me like, I had printed out
once the words to George Harrison's My Guitar Gently Weeps and had
them on my refrigerator, held with glass magnets that I had made in
my own stained glass studio in the basement. Granted it was just a
piece of paper with some ink on it, but I always got a little misty
eyed every time I passed that song and read even just one or two
lines from the whole thing. That's why it was there. There are the
things too, some of which were not even considered. The Grateful Dead
song ripple always gives me pause. I cannot hear that on the radio,
on one of my iPods, anywhere without the world slowing down in my
view expanding infinitely in all directions. Many things that I had
collected had this kind of impact on me. How anyone could not see
that, not understand, not even try is beyond me.
A print ad destined for a magazine cleverly showing the strengths of each hemisphere catches your attention doesn't it? |
So
the recovery of two of these photographs has done a great deal to
encourage my attitude in the months that I've been here. I know that
this is basically a rehab facility, people are here for a short while
and then move on, usually somewhere else often to a place that they
call home. I heard this social worker earlier today talking to a
woman about how she's going home to her place over the weekend, and
that they're going to coordinate with another agency to make sure
that she's being checked on regularly as she acclimates to being in
her own home, again. I'm happy for her. And yet hearing those words
from around the corner and down the hall, I could not help but think
to myself I don't have a home anymore. Everything that I used to
have is gone. This is my home now, and I may live another 20 years. I
realize after having that missed photograph of mine recovered and
hung up on my wall, how much we gain from our surroundings. And if
you can decorate a place to your own liking that will sustain you.
And I'm here to tell you living in an institutional setting quickly
overruns its newness and there is not much to sustain one. Unles you
strain to attain the sanitized effect of institutional living.
Grab shot of Photograph recovered Made over thirty years ago |
View of photograph as seen from bed in perspective with the rest of the wall There is a lot more empty space to fill Some other photographs needing framing can be seen on table next to television |
To
some degree I am lucky. I have managed to make myself noxious enough
to get some of my family members to regain some of the things that
used to belong to me in my own home. For example, in a box over by
the entryway to my bathroom (which I am unable to use) in a box full
of many knickknacks are all four of my college diplomas. It was
fortuitous that those do not get thrown out with some of the other
things that I'm missing. They are in good shape and something I have
always wanted to do with them when I was at home, but never got a
chance to, may come to fruition now. I always wanted to frame all
four of them and hang them together. Now these show my acedemic
achievement, but it also shows that if you stick to it you can get to
the end. Granted this is not exactly the end I envisioned - but it's
the one I have available, now. And I would like to get those framed.
The building maintenance manager has even said that I can frame them
and hang them on the wall in the space above the door transom visible
in the picture I'm going to include. I have a packet of the 3M
Command product to hang them. All I need now is to get them framed.
Therein
is the problem. Due to Medicaid's draconian requirement that people
in my position covered by them on nothing of value more than $2000. I
did have some of that money but has drained away. So I invite you to
do something bold and adventurous. I have begun a PayPal account. As
you may know, if you've ever used PayPal, it is a way to send money
to someone all you need is their email address. Since Medicaid does
allow people to give small gifts or things in kind, this in no way
stretches anybody's rools . I'm going to put it out there and ask
anyone who would like to to donate any sum that they feel comfortable
with through my PayPal account. I am going to try and get enough
funding to purchase framing for my diplomas so they can be hung up
and appreciated. Just knowing they're there in the box is one thing.
It will be quite another to see them protected and displayed proudly
for one in all to acknowledge. Seeing them displayed like that will
be of tremendous boost to my sense of attitude and who I am. The next
step will be to find somebody who will be willing to take them to and
from the framing store so that this can be accomplished.
I
imagine most facilities like this one have the right intent at heart.
However, the journey from at heart to being completely accomplished
often causes a huge diminuation in the original intent. I'm saddened
to find out how many people are willing to put up with such losses.
That attitude never served me well at all. It is half the reason how
I got behind getting so many Degrees in the first place. I do not
wish to succumb to the general attitude of so many around here just
to get along. I'm looking at too many years of having to lose myself
in such a gradual, diminished fashion. If people are not familiar
with how PayPal works, go to PayPal.com, they have an excellent set
of webpages instructing on how this works. My email address is
mrmeta4@voyager.net
This
feels awkward, but under these conditions, I am no longer allowed to
work and am scrambling to find some way to put my talents to use. If
I factor it out there is nothing wrong with asking for help, and the
results to be gained by feeling a part of a community. That will go
along way in these conditions where the community is so conditional,
and so antithetical to what I used to be. I am not used to
quantifying what I do against some economic scale and then deciding
that it cannot be done because it's too costly. There is more to
interacting with people than the economics of pecuniary materialism.
I'm looking at too many good years to live like somebody else that is
so foreign to me. Asking is hard, somehow we tend to believe that it
belittles us. It doesn't. It is an honest act brought right out into
the open. I have paid for nearly everything I wanted. It was my
nature and how I was raised. Asking for something and getting it some
seemed as if I had done something slimy and socially improper. But
now I am existing under certain rules that preclude me from earning
anything, or I run afoul of those rules and those earning can and
will be taken from me. Suddenly the very thing that was that the at
the core of my being is now not to be done. If I play the game
according to these strange rules I might as well be amoung the
unburied dead whom Medicaid creates and encourages. I am free to
involve myself in hobbies, thing I have done before, but as you may
recall, most of my equipment, tools and work equipment has so
thoughtlessly been disposed of by my younger brother. Most of my
camera equipment, stained glass tools, books are all gone now. The
only thing I have left is a chance at a clean start and the inability
to earn my way to the new beginning. I'm not ready to live a life
that seems to be straight out of the Twilight Zone.
Strangeness may be closer than it appears |
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