27 November 2013
Yet another day in the crazy house
Awake since 5:00 AM sleep is no longer imperative. Listening to NPR morning news, there is a quiet knock at the door – the sign that a staff member is outside intending on entry. The knock, subtle as it is, the knock alleviates the surprise factor of someone barging into the room. After an evening that has been for the most part a quiet interlude of rest and restoration. This time the knock was followed by one of my least admired CENAs entering the room. She announced, “Good Morning” in the flattest tone of voice that one could imagine. The felt sense that arose was one of just going through the motions without any investment of ones self. We have all experienced this. It is the tone used by insolent youths who have the need to make a statement and yet unwilling to be open and own the comments they make.
This is nothing new from this CENA, she has demonstrated a continued unhappy exchange with me in the past. In one discussion from the past about the lack of CENAs signing in on the white board in my room, I made the comment that it was interesting to note the sign-in behavior slowly drain away to the current state of no one telling, even verbally, if they were the assigned CENA working with me today. Her immediate response was that such things were not her fault. She offered that her toddler daughter always used her markers, bought for work, and then left the caps off, so they would dry out. I surmised that she could buy some markers and leave them in the glove compartment in her locked car. “Oh no”, she countered, “She would get into that.”
I ask, “So who is in charge of your household, the toddler?” she surely didn't like this observation. I am continually amazed at the adolescent quality that some of these CENAs insist on using. They show the need to be grown up even if it puts them into a logically compromising position. It is the standard I-am-too-grown-up. The fact that they may be parents does nothing to boost their cache, it only shows that it is possible for children to beget children. Others show an amazing ability to always want to be right and correct. This reminds me of being back in the court system where I was years ago, dealing with youthful offenders. The behavior is remarkably the same.
There are other CENAs who celebrate their youthfulness, who try to go about their duties with the refreshing antics that only 20 somethings can do, I do enjoy interacting with them. Many of them, in turn, seem to enjoy interacting with me as can be seen by their numerous inquiries of me and my life.
But today's CENA has shown herself to constantly a dark cloud whenever she enters my presence. She radiates a dark attitude, a sense of just doing what needs to be done and nothing more. There are times when I wish I could be surrounded by more positive staff members, being subjected to such individuals as today's CENA goes a long way toward coloring my tendency to drift into depression.
I was questioned the other day by the facility Social Worker as to a standard orientation questionnaire. I am oriented to place and time properly, when he asked if I was depressed I smart assed replied, “You bet I am, I just love losing all of the emotional, physical and intellectual choices to a bunch of people who are too busy to even get to know me, and yet the believe that they know enough about me to make decisions about me without even asking for my input. I find that completely an institutionalized form of dehumanizing behavior.” Its one thing to lose the physical ability to stand or walk on ones own, I can grow used to that. What I have difficulty with is institutionally being rendered less than human. I don't believe that any medication is designed for me to take that changes the behavior of others. It just doesn't make sense.
Watch out the Red Queen is due anytime soon.