12 June 2013

Wednesday

12:00 noon

Loss of Humanity

­

I had a bad day yesterday here in the reservation. It started fir­st thing in the morning while I was having one of my, twice a week showers. I was naked and without my glasses, already seated in the shower chair about ready to go under the water, complete with soap washcloth and shampoo. A knock came at the door. The CENA who was working with me announced, “Patient care”. This often indicates to the person knocking but they are busy attending to the resident behind the door. The implication is an invite to come back later. In this particular case it was a nurse knocking before entering. Rather than retreat momentarily, this nurse proceeded to enter the room anyway.

I knew exactly what was about right away. I've had ongoing affrontive contacts with her ever since I've been here. She does not speak much, nor does she make eye contact with you. She shows the personality of a bulldozer and is willing to continue whatever her task is no matter what situation you present at the time. She indicated that she had to perform this TB skin test. I have had these before. I know what they entail. The CENA was put off by this woman, but she did acquiesce. I requested that I be given my glasses, as I am so nearsighted that I really feel quite at a disadvantage not being able to see. The bulldozer nurse indicated that she didn't need to see anything to be able to administer this TB test, and then she grasped my wrist and extended my arm, interior portion aimed upwards.

Through the out of focus haze that was my vision I could see her moving her other hand in position over my elbow. I knew she could feel me tense through her hands. She indicated this won't hurt just a little poke. In all my career of interfacing with various members of the medical profession, I have always heard this. Of course it doesn't hurt, ... them. I'm the one with the nerve endings that are being violated. Bulldozer nurse proceeds to give one poke and withdraws the needle saying that wasn't good enough. She then places the needle against my skin again and apparently affects a good enough injection site to deposit whatever magic juice they insist on placing under the skin to make sure that I don't have TB.

If I contracted TB it was while I was in here. I have only been outside the building about 6 times since the beginning of February, 4 of those were sitting just outside the front door enjoying a little bit of sunshine and some breeze in my face. Who knows what quality of people they bring in from hospitals and other locations of highly infectious diseases.

Away from the assault during my shower to being dressed and placed in my wheelchair, which is normal. I rolled up and down the hallways and rode the elevator downstairs, making the usual circuit of the limited possibilities that I can experience while inside this facility. It doesn't take much to see all of the sites that are available to me. I spoke a little with the woman who works the front reception desk, who has helped me in the past by sending faxes, discussing pertinent issues, and news of the day. Then I noticed my left knee starting to do with the old familiar ache which happens mostly when I am in the grip of the wheelchair position for more than half an hour.

This ache is due to the fact that when I lay down on my bed, I have no control of the adductor muscles in my legs. My feet naturally splay to the outside putting tremendous torque on my knee joints. It does not take a genius to figure out that the knee joint operates as a door hinge, and this rotation of feet the puts a lot of stress on the cartilage and ligaments in the knee joints. I've discussed this problem with the physical therapists, who seemed to be the gatekeepers in charge of allowing certain devices and helpful medical aides to be dispersed. I've been told many times that my insurance (Medicaid) does not allow for the boots that are designed to hold the foot in an upright position while lying supine in bed. That's fine from some administrator's point of view, a person who can only see paperwork on the desk in front of them. But that is not near as sufficient an answer to the person suffering the insult to their body that the abuse the insurance bring with it, needs to hear.

After some “creative complaining” to appropriate gatekeepers one brand-new boot, already wrapped in its plastic container fresh in the manufacturer was pinched from stock and given to me. Since my right knee was the one that was hurting the most at the time, we(the CENAs and I) had been placing it on my right forth ever since. However, the left foot continues to flop to the outside whenever I lie down. After a couple hours of this my knee really begins to ache. This sensation exists throughout the night, often into the next day, and really shows up when I am seated in a wheelchair and my knees are in a permanently bent condition for the duration.

I have been taking extra supplements that are good at keeping elder cartilage more lubricated and flexible. I have been buying these on my own for a number of years, it does not surprise me when many of the nursing staff query me as to what is this stuff and why do you take it? I am used to these kind of highly assaultive questions. It seems that many nurses only believe that what they learned in nursing school is to be trusted. Everything else is suspect. I can always tell when their inquisitive style begins to hammer at me, showing their bias and state of disbelief. I am surprised that e use of these supplements bothers them. Apparently the continuing ache in my knees doesn't seem to bother them in the least. Some people are just out of touch.

Away from the assault during my shower to being dressed and placed in my wheelchair, which is normal. I rolled off and down the hallways and rode the elevator downstairs, making the usual circuit of the limited possibilities that I can experience both inside this facility. It doesn't take much to see all of the sites that are available to me. I spoke a little with the woman who works the front reception desk, who has helped me in the past by sending faxes discussing pertinent issues, and news of the day. Then I noticed my left knee starting to do with old familiar ache which happens mostly when I am in the stage of the wheelchair position for more than half an hour.

This ache is due to the fact that when I lay down on my bed I have no control of the adductor muscles in my legs. My feet naturally splay to the outside putting tremendous torque on my knee joints. It does not take a genius to figure out that the knee joint operates as a door hinge, and this amount of rotation puts a lot of stress on the cartilage and ligaments in the knee joints. I've discussed this problem with the physical therapists, who seemed to be the gatekeepers in charge of allowing certain devices and helpful medical aides to be dispersed. I've been told many times that my insurance (Medicaid) does not allow for the boots that are designed to hold the foot in an upright position while lying supine in bed. That's fine from some administrators point of view, a person can only see paperwork on the desk in front of them. But that is not near as efficient an answer to the person suffering the insult to their body needs to hear. Dumb ass, Medicaid.

After some creative complaining to appropriate gatekeepers one brand-new boot, already wrapped him its plastic container fresh in the manufacture was pinched from stock and given to me. Since my right knee was the one that was hurting the most of the time we placed it on my right foot ever since. However, the left foot continues to flop to the outside whenever I lie down. After a couple hours of this my knee really begins to ache. This sensation lasts throughout the night, often into the next day, and really shows up when I am seated in a wheelchair and my knees are in a permanently bent position.

I have been taking extra supplements that are good at keeping elder cartilage more lubricated and flexible. I have been buying these on my own for a number of years, it does not surprise me when many of the nursing staff query me as to what is this stuff and why do you take it? I am used to these kind of highly assaultive questions. It seems that many nurses only believe that what they learned in nursing school is to be trusted. Everything else is suspect. I can always tell when they're incredulous with my answers. There is always this tone of disbelief in their voices.

After too long in the wheelchair, my knee talking to me, being around too many residents fighting and bitching at/with each other like little children, I had had enough. I retreated back upstairs to find some help getting out of my wheelchair and into bed. My timing was bad, it was the end of the day shift and the second shift was due to come on soon. With that studied practice of not being able to see me while walking right past me, every CENA had that non seeing way of looking right past me as if I was invisible. I made several verbal requests, that seemed to not be heard the closer the end of the shift approached.

Fighting the fatigue that only MS patients know, I wheeled down to the nursing station, knowing that the incoming CENAs congregate there to divide up their workload based on how many residents there are on the floor that day. Strangely no one was there. I couldn't keep conscious any longer. Last thing I knew it was just past two in the afternoon. My chin dropped down to meet my chest.

I was aware of doors slamming, alarms sounding, people making entirely too much noise. I could hear a lot of activity going on around me, but I was powerless to do anything about it. I was exhausted. The amount and number of voices around me sounded like a party happening all round me, yet I could not respond. Then the woman whose job is to run the floor Zamboni, touched me on my shoulder, saying that she had to get her machine through to get her job done.

I came flying back into my body with a huge jolt, I reflexively struck out with both my arms. Several people found my response amusing and were laughing. As I shook myself aware I realized that they were laughing at me. Biting of my best acid retort, I called them to shame for allowing a resident whom they knew to have a neurologic disorder to be used as comedic relief for their benefit and other forms of abuse.

I wanted some help getting out of my wheelchair and into bed, NOW. Sleep came quickly once I got into bed, my knee hurt terribly. I couldn't shake the feeling that for most of the day I sustained constant and chronic draining away of my humanity by the regular and persistent pursuit of business as normal for what goes on around here. I am tired of being warehoused. I am more than just a body, to treat with the practiced disregard that so many people do when the just try to meet the regulations of what is expected of them. Stop with the codified expectations, take a chance, be real, don't hide behind that air of professionally perfect behavior. You're not winning any prizes here, I thoroughly despise being treated as if I were some object without feelings. I am a person,not the resident in room 322. HIPPA be damned.