Sometimes I don't have enough to entertain me,
there just isn't enough novelty for me to explore all of the
possibilities. After a while my approach can turn a little dour,
which occurs when the material wears a bit thin. These ideas came up
for me the other day.
3 May 2014
Saturday morning
You know what I
miss, really miss? Beside being able to get up and walk, to take care
of my own needs, and not be limited by the lack of imagination of
those who surround me constantly? I miss those moments of
possibility. When the wonder of considering what if ______, then
filling in the blank with an idea or a notion that has appeared
briefly, as inventive inspirations often do. I enjoy those events
when a thought or an image congeals, seemingly out of nothing,
sometimes at the instigation of some verbalization designed for the
more pedestrian events of life.
The other day the
nurse of the day entered my room followed by a man I had never seen
before. In a very casual manner she explained him away as needing to
do an investigation involving fire, like a fire marshall or
something. Without acknowledging me, he went straight to the bathroom
and began poking around in there. This felt very exposed, my electric
toothbrush charger is in there, so is my S.A.D. Light, not to mention
a couple of boxes of books that I can't bear to be rid of. This
invitation is like being told that the man on your doorstep with the
muddy boots is here to inspect your underwear drawer, and then
ushering him into your space as if your verbal acquiescence was,
after all a moot point, not worth waiting for. The implication that
my sense of a personal space is not worth honoring. After all the
nurses and to some degree the CENAs are expected to complete their
duties. My personal concerns have no real bearing in the matter.
The situation was
so absurd, I blurted out, “Oh there is no need to inspect in there,
I am not allowed to have any fires in this facility. But if I did
have any they would be of the highest quality.” Which is true, I
have had expensive Japanese, hand made incense confiscated, even
though I used in in an unburned state because it had wonderful
aromas. The assumption was made that I might light it. The fear
instilled by financial penalties, levied by the fire marshal is
legion. I have never seen a fire marshal, but the way everyone
responds to even the mention of him, causes me to envision a Joseph
Stalin looking character, in a bad mood, who is in charge of all
things of a pyro nature.
The nurse had the
most puzzled look on her face. She was trying to reconcile my comment
about only having fires and assigning a quality value to it. To me
fire is not only powerful but helpful as well. I heated my house
exclusively with wood for years, had several candles in decorative
glass shelters that I had made, and oil lamps in my house. Never had
any trouble with fires. Besides, bathrooms are more conducive to
moisture episodes than fire. As usual she was allowing the
conventional thinking that is a hallmark of her job and its location
in a facility like this to guide her understanding. I was perfectly
happy to be standing just outside of that particular envelope.
It is that stuck
in the mud method of seeing the world that seems so sad to me. Nearly
everyone I come into contact with here is hopelessly, mindsuckingly,
mired in the tired regularity of their common thought process. You
can see it on their faces. Dull, flat expressionless faces. They come
in my room for the first time each day looking as inspired to be here
as an old bowl of potato soup. There is no flavor, no zing, the
blandness of their potato-like existence has smothered that.
It is really easy
to see those living a potato existence, they never make any eye
contact. They can walk into the room, eyes averted toward the floor.
They can speak general platitudes to you, and not look you in the
eye. They can even give you a shower without actually looking
directly at you. I find this to be totally amazing. Especially after
reading an article asking will people tolerate robots as care takers
in the future? The engineers were trying to make the robots more
personable in the future. Mechanical gears and pulleys replicating a
human touch in the future, jeez we got actual living, breathing,
potato- living, robotic people right here, now. And that is pretty
unsettling. If those engineer types make success with more humanlike
robots, would somebody turn those engineers loose on the potato
people we have here right now?
John Whiting
3 May 2014
Saturday afternoon
The morning dawned
overcast and gray today. By 2:00 the skies had cleared and the sun
was shining. At one point I was temporarily on my side so I could
look out the window. The trees are past the bud stage, and tender
leaves are beginning to unfurl. I gazed outside and thought of the
many spring seasons that I have seen over the years.
How I was always
surprised to find that one special day when, after months of
monochromatic colors, mixed with the white of snow, followed by acres
of brown grass after the thaw. My eyes ached for some other color.
Visually I was thirsting for the depth of rich signs of growth. I
often woke to look outside and the grass had become the most verdant
green. Somewhere the master switch had been found, lost after a long
winter and the teasing promise of impending spring. Someone must have
found that chlorophyl switch and thrown the system into hyper-drive.
The grass, the trees, even the very air seemed to have come alive
again.
There is something
about what a good view through the window can do to your mood. As
much as being kept indoors entirely too long can dampen a mood, I
will soon be able to sign myself outside, when the weather gets a
little warmer. Not to go anywhere, the terrain precludes ranging far
in a wheelchair, just to sit out in front of the entrance with a
couple of other residents imitating modern gargoyles guarding the
front entrance.
I found myself
thinking of those less fortunate souls who live chronically indoors
for an extended time. My thoughts drifted to one of the juvenile
delinquent charges whom I used to work with, Freddy. When I first met
him, Freddy was thirteen, scrawny, moderate complexion,
African-American kid with an infectious lisp. He was in the court for
some incorrigible behavior or another. Some school truancy, some
minor assaultive behavior, some larceny, but no overriding major
criminal bent. Freddy was a kid looking for something to which he
could attach himself in order to become something in his life.
Problem was he had, as many troubled kids, no adult role model, his
father stuck around for such a short time as to be considered not
much more than a sperm donor. The street had always been there for
him, but the quality of caring it had to offer was lacking. Freddy
was always trying to get respect by being in someone's face at just
the wrong time. He always picked the most awful of contestants to
compete with, often being on the short end of the competition at the
end.
Freddy's powers of
observation were interesting. Once when he was on an afternoon
cross-country ski trip with another worker, named Polzin, and myself,
Freddy came up with the most amazing questions. The air was still
and cold, the snow was deep and fluffy. Up ahead Freddy's voice came
back to us two adults, full of concern. “Mithter Redbeard, Mithter
Poltheen? Are there any rattle thnakes out here?” Polzin answered
that there probably many rattlesnakes out here. Immediately Freddy
shot back with, “Then what the hell are we doing out here?” He
was really concerned. His voice was trembling with concern, he
explained that he had been looking at lots of pictures of
rattlesnakes in a book at the detention center when he was there
last. He never read the text and no one explained that snakes can't
tolerate winter temperatures. All by themselves they find a place to
over winter, usually some rodent burrow deep under the snow. Upon
hearing this he became concerned that we may wake them up by skiing
too noisily. Eventually we were able to calm Freddy's concerns enough
to complete the loop we were skiing that day.
A few years past
and the street had an increasing influence on Freddy, until one day
he was in the news. He had once again been in someone's face, only
this time he had the street fronter's favorite secret weapon – an
old revolver and some bullets. Freddy went to trial for murder. It
was no contest. Freddy now has lifetime residential privileges,
courtesy of the State, in accommodations of its pwn choosing, with
the kindest sort of care the State is willing to offer.
Nearly forty years
later, I too am living a forced indoor existence, with the same sort
of indifferent oversight and wondering for how much longer? I look
out my window at the annual greening and wonder – what might Freddy
be seeing right now? Is his food as industrially prepared as mine?
Does his momma come see him, or anyone? Does he still have that lisp?
There are moments
when being in a place like this doesn't seem so bad –
comparatively.
John Whiting
